A Love Lost
For me to say good-bye to 2014 hurt. Plain and simple. I thought I might be happy to ring in 2015 and all that it, hopefully, would bring, but on New Year’s Eve all I could do was reflect on a year that was so tragic for me that I ended up being sad most of the night. Let me explain…
Before My Life Changed Forever
In February 2014, my husband and I learned that we were pregnant with our second child! I found out on a Saturday morning, before I was to go on a 28KM run with my girls. Needless to say, I didn’t go on my run, and stopped running altogether for fear of miscarrying. I was 37 years old and didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize this pregnancy.
So, airing on the side of caution was my strategy for everything. At the time, my daughter was two and would be just 3 by the time our baby was born. Seemed perfect and I was excited for her, especially! Because of complications that we had with my daughter’s birth, we were considered ‘high risk’, despite my age, and were set up with a specialist right away. I was really hoping for a less stressful pregnancy this time around. The first 3 months were the normal, stressful, please-God-let-me-make-it-to-12-weeks, I-can-hardly-wait-to-announce-my-news times. But, we made it! And I enjoyed sharing my great news with everyone.
My fourth month was my best time. We went to Florida with my parents, sister and her husband and son, the baby’s heart beat was consistent and strong and I was feeling great! In my 19th week of pregnancy, my brother-in-law was riding in the Ride to Conquer Cancer, that was starting in Toronto, where we live. So, my sister and her son joined him and stayed with us over the weekend. We had a normal, fun weekend. On Sunday, June 8th, 2014, we went to Church and then we were driving around, trying to decide where to go for brunch.
We took forever figuring this out and I was starting not to feel well. I didn’t make much of this, as I often didn’t feel well if I was hungry when I was pregnant. After, what turned into lunch, we went home to put my daughter down for her nap. I, also, decided to take a nap. Pretty easy-going Sunday so far, right? I got up, about an hour later, went to the bathroom and saw blood. I panicked, yelled for my husband and we rushed off to the hospital. It was a small miracle that my sister was with us that weekend, as we have no family in the city, which would’ve made rushing off to the hospital, with a 2 year old, difficult. Not being officially at 20 weeks, I sat in the emergency room for 2 hours before they finally said I was close enough and admitted me into OB Triage.
A Dream Falling Apart
I was admitted to hospital, as they couldn’t send me home as long as I was actively bleeding. Just like that, my life changed. No longer could I go back to work, care for my daughter and enjoy my pregnancy. That following Monday, I had an ultrasound, where we found out we were having a boy! What should have been a beautiful moment was incredibly heartbreaking.
The doctors were speaking over me and not to me. I heard them say that my amniotic fluid was ok, but not great. I later learned I had had a placental abruption. Every day while I was in hospital, a nurse would check my blood pressure and my baby’s perfect heart beat, morning and night. But, that was it! No IV, or any medical measures taken. I felt like a ticking time bomb, and they were just waiting me out till I blew. It was a sad and helpless feeling.
On Friday, June 13, 2014, the bleeding had pretty much stopped and my doctor said that I could go home, but not back to work and pretty much carry on my pregnancy! I was very encouraged, but he wanted me to have another ultrasound before I left, just to make sure everything was okay. My husband was on his way to the hospital to pick me up and bring me home when my doctor came into my room and told me that I had lost about 80% of my amniotic fluid, that he couldn’t let me go home, and asked if I wanted to induce labour.
We both knew my baby wouldn’t survive so young.
I sat there in shock and wanted him to leave my room so that I could cry in private. But, he wouldn’t! He just sat there and waited for me to react. I held it in as long as I could until I couldn’t bear it anymore and I started to cry. My baby’s heartbeat was perfect. How could I end his life?! I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
That following Monday, even though I continued to leak amniotic fluid, they let me go home, since my plan was to save my baby, and they thought it would psychologically, be easier for me to be in my own home to rest. I was 20 weeks pregnant, at this point, and needed to make it to 24 weeks before any doctor would step in and take measures to save my baby. It was an agonizing time, knowing I had so far to go.
To help us cope with everything, my mom travelled 3 hours, from Windsor, ON, and moved in with us until I had my baby. She was a godsend. I don’t know what we would’ve done without her. I had several friends come through for us as well, and we had many dinners made for us over the course of the weeks I was off my feet.
On July 3rd, 2014, after my weekly ultrasound, I had a visit with my doctor, who was wanting us to prepare for me going back into the hospital to be monitored, as I was nearing my 24 week mark. I had some hope! Finally! When we got home, and as I was walking into my house, I felt a gush, which wasn’t completely unusual because I was leaking amniotic fluid since I started bleeding back in early June. But, this gush felt significant, so I went inside and lied down, hoping I wouldn’t leak anymore fluid for the night.
One Week Shy
Around 5AM on Friday, July 4th, 2014, I woke up not feeling so well. By 6AM, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I yelled for my husband and my mom came running in as well. I burst into tears and my husband and I were off to the hospital. They admitted me quickly this time, but it felt like forever before I felt any relief from the pain. They needed to determine if I had an infection. A concern my doctor had from the beginning. The pain was so intense, both physically and emotionally, I could barely handle it. I was curled up into the fetal position crying harder than I’ve ever cried, into my husband, who was standing next to me, with my right arm stretched out as the nurses poked and poked and poked my arm again, trying to draw blood, without success.
They had to finally draw from my foot. When they finally gave me morphine, I remember the doctor telling me that it would take 30 minutes to take effect. 30 minutes!!! I was already dying. It was torturous to wait. They checked my cervix once. Then twice, and determined that I was going into labour. I remember saying to the doctor, ‘I’m going to lose my baby, aren’t I?’. She just squeezed my hand and looked at me.
They took me into a delivery room, so that I could deliver my baby boy. It was considered ‘palliative care’. No measures would be taken to save my son. I was just days shy of that 24 week mark and it was hospital protocol not to step in before that time. It was a heartbreaking experience to be in a delivery room again, remembering all the hustle and bustle of when I delivered my daughter, 2 and a half years earlier. This time, it was so quiet. Just the nurse, most of the time. There was no excitement, no smiles. Nothing but tears and disbelief that this was all happening.
They gave me my epidural and I was finally beginning to feel some relief from the pain, until I started shivering uncontrollably. They put a heated blanket on me, then another, and then another up around my head. This was caused by the infection that I had somehow gotten, called Chorio. A short-form word for a long medical term that basically meant I had gotten an infection of the amniotic fluid that I had so little of, and this infection pushed my body into labour.
The Delivery
Before I knew it, my baby, David, was born at 2:50 PM on July 4th, 2014. Only took a few pushes, since he was so small. The first words I said to him were, “I’m so sorry” and I asked the nurse if the chaplain could come and baptize him. I kissed him and handed him over to my husband, as I had to go into the OR to get the placenta completely removed.
David was alive for 3 hours before he passed away in my husband’s arms.
We found out after he had passed that he weighed 1 pound 1 ounce. A nice size for a baby of 23 weeks gestation. This hurt to know, as the hospital saves lots of babies who are 1 pound. To this day, I wonder, if they had known he was 1 pound while he was still alive, could they have saved him?!
I was so heavily drugged, I don’t remember much while David was alive. When we came back from the OR, my mom was waiting for us in the delivery room. She got to hold him while he was still alive. She’s the only one in my family who ever got to meet David. We all took turns holding him for hours after David had passed away.
The nurses needed to move me from the delivery room into my own room, but were very gracious about giving us as much time as we needed. They had told us that they would keep David’s body on the same floor as us, should we want to see him again. We decided to say our goodbyes before heading into my new room, as David’s body was beginning to deteriorate and we thought that going to a new room without him would be somehow easier than being in the room they took him from. We all kissed him goodbye and told him that we loved him and I handed him over to the nurse, never to see him again.
The After Math
It was nothing short of surreal once we were brought into my new room. A butterfly was posted outside of my door, so that staff would know that I had lost my baby. The nurses were lovely and supportive and apologetic. A Social Worker came to speak to us about how we were handling our loss.
Friends came to visit. It was all so new, I didn’t really know what to say about all that had happened. I was still on an IV getting medication for the infection I had had, and so I had to stay in the hospital. We were cleared to leave the hospital the following evening. We were given a box with David’s little outfit that he was wearing, a teddy bear, a CD of pictures and a card with his hand and foot prints. I remember sharing an elevator down to the parking garage with a woman who was very pregnant thinking, ‘I wonder if she knows that I just lost my baby?!’. We left the hospital with a box and no baby.
Planning My Baby’s Funeral
I was pretty numb throughout this whole process. My husband, Michael, felt most of the pressure in this. We needed to register David’s death certificate, but because he was only 1 pound, 1 ounce, he didn’t qualify on the governments requisite scale. It was a whole other headache we just weren’t capable of dealing with! To plan a funeral after a birth is something I can’t describe, and nothing I’d wish for anyone to experience.
Michael, eventually, broke down about having to do so much ‘work’ around the loss of his son. My dad and my sister went to the Church for us and took care of the details there. My dad is a concert pianist; he was the perfect person to discuss the music for the funeral. We upgraded for David and had a singer from the Canadian Opera House sing the solos during mass. It was perfect and lovely and worth every extra cent.
My good friend, Mary, took care of all the other details around the reception. She pulled some strings and got a local favorite restaurant of ours to open for us privately. They did us proud. I felt like we honoured David in that day as much as we ever could. It’s a feeling I hold in my heart still.
We ended up having David cremated, since we don’t know where we will be buried yet, and want him to be with us. I light a candle for him every day, next to his urn. I talk to him, every day. He’s my direct link to God. My sweet baby boy, I miss you. I wish you were here with me. I will honor you all the days of my life. <3
Sweet Potato Stuffed Dates Wrapped in Prosciutto
During the holidays a couple of years ago, my brother-in-law, Marty, who is a trained and super talented chef, was making these yummy hors d’oeuvres for us. I instantly loved them and stood watch beside him to learn how to make them! On Monday, I had some friends over to watch The Bachelor Finale and thought these would be a great little bite for everyone to enjoy! Here’s what happened:
This is all you need. 3 ingredients! I love that! Earlier in the day, I roasted off those two lovely sweet potatoes you see in this picture. With a preheated oven, set to 350 F, you can put those little lovelies in there and pretty much forget about ’em for the next 30 minutes or so. It is a good idea to pierce the skin of the sweet potatoes with a fork, so that they won’t burst in the oven. Also, and even more importantly, put a tray on the bottom rack of your oven to catch any juices that may leak from your sweet potatoes or you will have one big mess to clean up!!
I forgot to take a picture for this next part, but once those sweet potatoes have cooled, cut through the skin and scoop out the flesh. It should be naturally mashed or mushy as you scoop it out, but just make sure there are no obvious lumps.
Next, you want to slice each date vertically, to create a little pocket and remove the seed that is inside.
This is what you should have after you’re done. Next, you will add your sweet potato into each date.
This looks really messy, but don’t worry! You don’t have to be fancy with this part because it will all get covered with the prosciutto. You want to put enough sweet potato that it comes up to the level of the date, but isn’t overflowing. I just used a spoon to do this.
Next is the prosciutto.
You’ll want to slice the prosciutto into strips to wrap around each date. The strips won’t, and don’t have to, look as good as the one I show in the picture. If you mess up a strip, just eat it! Win-win!
Your dates should look similar to this once you’re done wrapping them all. At this point, you can put some saran wrap over top of them and put them into the fridge until you’re ready to bake them off. A great make-ahead!
The finished product! You can’t really tell from this picture, but the prosciutto is nicely caramelized on the bottom and everything is heated through. These were in the oven, at 350 F for about 15 minutes.
Here’s what you need to do:
1 medium sweet potato
12 dates (I used organic medjool dates)
1/2 pound of prosciutto, sliced for wrapping dates
Preheat oven to 350 F. Roast your sweet potato until tender to the touch, about 30 minutes. When cool enough to handle, slice it down the center and scoop out the flesh and place into a bowl. Set aside. Cut into each date to remove the seed and create a pocket. Place a heaping teaspoon, give or take, into each date. Wrap with a piece of prosciutto and bake in an oven proof pan or baking sheet for 15 minutes.
Enjoy!!
Spicy Apricot and Coconut Chicken Skewers
My sister made this recipe years ago. It’s a surprisingly yummy and really easy bite to pull together. I decided it should be part of our Bachelor Finale Extravaganza! Here’s what happened:
First things first, you need to soak your skewers.
This is an important step or your skewers will burn in the oven while your chicken is cooking. You want to let these soak for at least 20 minutes.
In the meantime, cut up your chicken.
I didn’t do a very good job keeping my pieces uniform, but it’s no big deal.
Thread each piece of chicken onto the skewer like an accordion, so that they don’t fall off. Season both sides of chicken with salt and pepper.
Place on a cookie sheet and bake in the oven at 350 F, until chicken is cooked through. The timing will depend largely on how big or small your chicken has been cut. Some of my pieces were in for longer than others, but anywhere from 15-25 minutes.
The original recipe called for Sambal Oelek to be added into the apricot jam, but I didn’t have any, so I used this. It worked just as well.
For the next several parts, I didn’t take any pictures because I’m a space case and forgot. But, don’t worry, it’s super easy!! Let’s get straight to the recipe!
Final product.
Here’s what you need to do:
2 boneless skinless chicken breasts cut up into skewer-sized pieces
skewers
salt & pepper
1 cup apricot jam
1 tsp chili garlic sauce (or Sambal Oelek) – more if you like it really spicy
1/2 cup of unsweetened coconut, toasted
Preheat oven to 350 F. Thread each piece of chicken onto a skewer and season with salt and pepper. Bake in oven for about 20 minutes. In the meantime, you will want to toast about 1/2 cup of unsweetened coconut over medium heat until the ends have turned light brown. Set aside. In a pot, stirring frequently, melt down about 1 cup of apricot jam over medium to medium low heat until its consistency is like syrup. Add your chili garlic sauce and stir until combined. Remove from heat.
Once your chicken is out of the oven, spoon or brush the syrup mixture onto each skewer and sprinkle with coconut.
Enjoy!
Banana Crumb Muffins
I have been searching for a really good banana bread recipe for years. I thought I had found one, but it still wasn’t great, and was a lot of work with disappointing results. Greasing the pan alone was a pain. I came across this banana muffin recipe from a blog I follow named, The Girl Who Ate Everything, and I don’t think I will make banana bread ever again! These muffins are quick and yummy and so much more rewarding than a big loaf of bread! I have made several recipes from this blogger’s site. She knows what she’s doing! Check her out! www.the-girl-who-ate-everything.com
I didn’t deviate at all from this recipe, except for one minor change, and only because of personal preference. Here’s what happened…
We needed to eat this morning and had no food. I had one egg left, which inspired the making of these muffins!
In the flour, I’ve already incorporated the baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Also not seen in this picture is vanilla, because I’m an airhead and forgot. I have a lot to learn!
This is where I deviated from the original recipe. I prefer to add my dry ingredients into my wet ingredients to avoid lumps. But, I am sure there were no lumps in the original recipe, this is just my personal preference! You can do either method.
Use an ice cream scoop that has a release on it to help make your life so much easier. Or, using a spoon will work as well.
You can fill your muffin cups fairly generously. The original recipe called for 10 muffins. I find I can make 12 with no problem. Just depends how big you want ’em!
Now for the ‘crumb’ part of the recipe!
In this, you want to add 1/3 cup brown sugar, 2 tablespoons of flour, 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon and 1 tablespoon of butter. I tend to be a bit more generous with the butter here. Can’t hurt, right? It’s important your butter be COLD for this.
If you have a tool like this, now would be a good time to use it! Otherwise, a fork will work just fine, or even your hands! You want to achieve a coarse meal, in texture.
Like this.
Now is your chance to get your kids involved…. If I allowed it, my daughter would just take this bowl and eat it as a snack! She’s wild that way.
And this will happen. Guess where that hand ended up? Yup! She was hungry. Can’t blame her. I promise, if I make this for anyone outside of my immediate family…okay, my extended family…I won’t let her eat out of the bowl. Please don’t judge me!
All is done, but you can’t put it in the oven right now, unless you want a horrible, sticky mess to clean up after these babies are out of the oven! If you didn’t have a child helping you with this part, omit this next step.
Brush all that sugar goodness back onto the muffins so it doesn’t stick to your pan!!
Now they’re ready for the oven!! 19 minutes at 375 and you are good to go!!
Mmmmmmm… These are so good. You’ll be happy you made these. I promise.
Here is what you need to do:
Banana Crumb Muffins
1/3 cup melted and cooled butter
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 egg
3 ripened bananas, mashed
1 1/2 cups flour
I teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
For the crumble:
1/3 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons flour
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1 tablespoon cold butter
Preheat oven to 375 F. Mix together the melted butter, sugar, egg, bananas, and vanilla in one bowl. Blend flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, and nutmeg in another bowl. Add flour mixture to banana mixture and mix until all flour is combined. Fill muffin tins with batter. Next, make your crumble and sprinkle over top of your batter. Bake for 19 minutes. Remove from muffin tin as soon as you can and let cool on wired rack.
Enjoy!!
Milk Choco Chunk Cookies
Seemed appropriate that my first post on my blog be cookies, since I bake so many of them! This recipe is your basic cookie dough recipe, and you can substitute any chocolate or add other yummy additions! Unless you’re adding oatmeal, as you would then need to adjust your flour. In this recipe, I used 2 Dairy Milk chocolate bars because that’s what I had at home. I was going to just eat some of the chocolate with my tea, but with a sick 3 year old napping upstairs, I decided to bake her some cookies to wake up to instead. Here is what happened….
Cut up chocolate last to ensure you still have some left by the time you need to add it into the batter! 🙂 Of course, I added this picture first as a reminder to do it last. Make sense? I thought so.
Mmmmmm…that is all.
If you don’t have this tool, get it. It comes in several different sizes. This one here is the 1 1/2 tablespoon size. The best tool I’ve ever had for drop cookies!
See how perfectly uniform each cookie is? Makes me happy. Note to self: Get silpat in prettier colour.
Unless you need to bake up the whole batch, freeze some for later! Place a tray with parchment or waxed paper, scoop as many on the tray as you’d like to freeze. Place in the freezer to firm up, about 20 minutes. Note to self: Rotate camera.
Ta-da! I only made a dozen and froze the rest. There are only 4 left since I made them yesterday. I know my husband has had none, my daughter has had two, that means…. This is why it’s a good idea to freeze some for later!
Once the risk of each cookie touching the other and sticking together and destroying any chance of future cookies has passed (aka they’re frozen enough), place them in a freezer bag and put them in your freezer for the next time you have a cookie craving!
Here’s what you need to do:
Do your ‘mise en place’ and get all of your ingredients ready before you start. You will thank yourself later. Or, thank me now. You’re welcome!
Milk Choco Chunk Cookies
1 cup softened butter*
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 eggs**
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
2 milk chocolate bars of your choice cut up into chunks (I used Dairy Milk)
Preheat oven to 375 F. Cream your butter and add both sugars until combined. Add eggs and vanilla and beat about one minute. Next, add your salt and baking soda, which you can combine with your flour and add slowly all together. I’ve added the salt and baking soda separately from the flour, as well. Both work. Make sure all dry ingredients have been added and well mixed before you add your chocolate, which is your last ingredient.
Scoop your cookies onto a lined baking sheet and bake for 10 minutes. If making smaller cookies, adjust your time by one or two minutes. Transfer to a wired rack and let cool.
Enjoy!
*I used salted butter in this recipe because that is what I had on hand. This is really a personal preference, in my opinion. If you feel more comfortable using unsalted butter, go for it! I haven’t felt the need to adjust the salt in this recipe.
**Don’t crack your eggs directly into your batter. You don’t want to risk getting egg shell into your batter or possibly a bad egg.
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